Reflections of Freshman Year Part 2: Mind

Of course, the complement to the heart is the brain. In this post, I will explain less about my feelings and more about what I learned from my teachers. This year was tough on me in ways, but it also taught me so much. I have learned two issues I need to correct in the next three years that connect: Tension and patience.

I realized early on in the year that I was not able to keep up with my practice and rehearsals physically as much as my classmates were. Admittedly, I rarely needed to practice two hours a day to progress when I was younger. I do not think anyone pushed me hard enough to make me do it. If anything, with all of my mental illnesses, it would have made my mindset worse. My inability to keep up with my practice led me to spiral. I called it a snap in the first part of this reflection. But as soon as I got onto medication to help with my issues, I could see and think more clearly about this issue. I wrote down my practices as meticulously as time allowed me to and thought of my practices as science experiments, just like I did during the lockdowns in 2020. My time and concentration improved, but I started to break down physically.

My left wrist has been an issue since early middle school when I broke it (unrelated to music, I probably fell off a bike.) I did not say anything about it for weeks because I did not know how bad it was. It healed partially, but not correctly, as it had been without any cast. I have been icing my wrist for years, but no one has given me any advice up until now about how to work with it instead of against it constantly. The pain had spread to my forearm. Professor Lewis told me to schedule a consultation with our university's physical therapist (which I am very grateful for and know I am lucky to have.) My physical therapist told me after my evaluation that I would have horrible repercussions in the future if I did not start dealing with my connective tissue issues and making my muscles more capable of the stamina I needed. I also had to start correcting my postural problems. I decided to get top surgery as soon as the Spring semester ended so I could carry myself confidently (and correctly) without any emotional strain.

The other side to this coin was tension in my palm and thumb on my left side. I have not been able to relax my hand. I am not very good at relaxing in general. I feel massive amounts of stress and guilt when I take time off, and I constantly carry tension in my shoulders. Even as a young adult, I probably have the muscle tension of a much older adult. I am sure it has to do with anxiety in some way. All I can do for now is focus on my technique in fundamentals and have that carry over into my repertoire. I am also looking into mindfulness exercises for breathing to help me relax more in general. I hypothesize that practicing mindful breathing while I practice will help this issue tremendously.

The problem I face with both of these tensions is that I have no patience to fix them. It is one of the first things my professor noticed about me. One of my strengths is that I learn quickly. But, if something doesn’t come quickly to me, or it takes extensive amounts of time: I get incredibly frustrated. It is one of the main issues my therapist and I have been working through since it impacts all areas of my life. We especially needed to during my time off post-surgery. As I settle back into a practice routine, I have to go back to my habits during the school year, stopping to check in on my muscles and bones, stretching and working out my arms every day, and making sure during my warm-ups that I am being mindful of my stress levels and trying my best to relax as much as I can.

Going into my freshman year, I thought that I would have technical issues upon technical issues to solve. I thought that making beautiful music was a puzzle with two pieces; one artistry, and the other technique. But I was wrong. So much else factors into playing, and playing is only the beginning. I hope that I can look back on this post whenever I am feeling impatient and remember that struggling is a part of the process. We may be in the thick of the forest, but on the other side, there is a beautiful flower field. It is worth it. Keep going.